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Effective communication
From a speaker's perspective,
- Use as many levels of communication as you can. Humans pick up a lot of meaning from the non verbal cues that we see and hear when we interact.
- Clearly share your intent for the communication. If you state your goal, you'll increase the chances the receiver will hear it as you mean it.
- Avoid over generalizing things. It's fairly common that when we care about something we state it more strongly. But using phrases like you always or you never, are going to create defensiveness in the other person. Also avoid exaggerating, which is a form of generalizing. This is when ten minutes late becomes 20, or two missed meetings becomes three. Overstating things give the other person a place to counter you with examples, and then you're in an argument and not focused on the goal you want to achieve.
- Speak for yourself. Use something called I statements. I statements are when you speak in the first person, to talk about your experiences and your feelings. The goal is to convey the impact the other person's behavior has on you.
From a listener's perspective,
- Be an active listener. Focus on what the other person is saying and show that you're listening. Use non-verbal signals, such as nodding your head to show agreement, or leaning forward to show interest. Most importantly, avoid the temptation to start building your counter argument in your head. The goal of active listening is to be sure you're really hearing what the other person is trying to convey.
- Ask questions. When you're the receiver, you're goal is to make sure you're hearing the message accurately. If something's not clear, ask a question that will provide clarity.
- Confirm what you understand. One of my favorite techniques is called paraphrasing, and you share back to the person what you think they said. This does not mean that you agree. You're just making sure that you got the message correctly.
- Show your perspective. Once the other person feels heard, you can now share what you think and feel. Hopefully, the other person who is now the receiver uses the same techniques of active listening and so on. Identify where you are in agreement and where you disagree. If the situation is complex, take each piece separately. In the dialogue, you'll go back and forth using the strategies for senders and receivers. During the conversation, you'll both increase your clarity and understanding.
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What is a difficult conversation?
If it's challenging for at least one of the people involved, then its difficult.
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The Matrix of Difficulty
When we talk about a conversation being difficult, we're really referring to emotions.
For the initiator, conversations are generally difficult for two reasons. One, you're concerned about their reaction to your message. And two, you're attached to the outcome of the conversation.
Often things that rate as low attachment are issues where we have bad news to deliver like a poor performance review, a medical diagnosis or the ending of a relationship. The outcome is already pre-determined but we may be concerned about the actual delivery will go or their reaction. Contrast that with things that rate as high attachment. Usually the outcome is really in the hands of the other person, but it matters a great deal to us.
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The pathway to problems
The pathway to problems
When difficult conversations go badly, they follow a pattern of four phases. These are 1 the Build Up, 2 Case Building, 3 the Confrontation, and 4 the Aftermath.
Stage one is the Build Up, the buildup is the phase when a series of things happen that start to make you feel upset. In this case, Scott experienced Joe talking down to him on a number of occasions. Joe's generally a good boss, so at first, Scott chalked it up to a bad day or a misunderstanding. But it kept happening to the point where Scott saw it as an issue.
Stage two is case building. This is where you've not yet decided to say something, but you've definitely decided there is a problem. In this stage you start keeping an invisible list of all the things the other person does wrong. Scott finds himself noticing every time Joe talks down to him and he even sees it happening to others. You know, you're in this stage when you start making snarky comments in your head.
People can hang out in the case building stage for a while, but something usually pushes them to the tipping point, which is when they want to take action. It's usually a function of frequency, the person does the offending behavior a certain number of times. Or intensity, the offending behavior hits a new level that's unacceptable. Either way its the proverbial straw that breaks the camel's back and the person is ready for stage three.
The confrontation stage is when you finally talk to the person about the concern. But it's often in the form of accusation and blaming.
In the aftermath stage, the relationship is often harmed by things done and said in the confrontation. There's usually more animosity and trust is damaged. And for both men, they got to confirm their fears.
Stage two is case building. This is where you've not yet decided to say something, but you've definitely decided there is a problem. In this stage you start keeping an invisible list of all the things the other person does wrong. Scott finds himself noticing every time Joe talks down to him and he even sees it happening to others. You know, you're in this stage when you start making snarky comments in your head.
People can hang out in the case building stage for a while, but something usually pushes them to the tipping point, which is when they want to take action. It's usually a function of frequency, the person does the offending behavior a certain number of times. Or intensity, the offending behavior hits a new level that's unacceptable. Either way its the proverbial straw that breaks the camel's back and the person is ready for stage three.
The confrontation stage is when you finally talk to the person about the concern. But it's often in the form of accusation and blaming.
In the aftermath stage, the relationship is often harmed by things done and said in the confrontation. There's usually more animosity and trust is damaged. And for both men, they got to confirm their fears.
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Four phases of successful conversations
Successful conversations also have a pattern and four phases. In this case, they're as follows. Number one, the Buildup. Two, Reflection. Three, the conversation. And four, the Follow Through.
Successful conversations also have a pattern and four phases. In this case, they're as follows. Number one, the Buildup. Two, Reflection. Three, the conversation. And four, the Follow Through.
The first stage is still the build up, and it's actually the same as before. A series of things happen that make you notice a pattern. You may even engage in some case building. It's human nature to verify our views by collecting information.
And so, that's going to happen. Some of it is necessary for sorting out which issues really matter to us. But when you notice that an issue's building, you want to take charge of the process and intentionally enter stage two, the reflection. You'll spend time reflecting on why the other person's behavior bothers you. More importantly, you'll focus on getting clear about what you really want. You'll try to look at things from their perspective and you'll use that information to prepare for the conversation.
Next, is stage three, the conversation. And it's really designed to be just that, a dialogue between those involved to share their perceptions, identify shared goals, and co-create a solution that works for everyone.
Changing your tipping point
The reason is because the more you hang out in this phase the more you're likely to start case building, which will create more work for you later on.
To shorten the buildup phase, change your tipping point, which is the moment when you're moved to action. We usually hit the tipping point due to frequency or intensity. Something happens a certain number of times or it hits a level of unacceptability.
To shorten the buildup phase, change your tipping point, which is the moment when you're moved to action. We usually hit the tipping point due to frequency or intensity. Something happens a certain number of times or it hits a level of unacceptability.
You need to keep build up phase focused on your experience. It's okay to check in with others to see if they are having the same issue or perception, but you don't want to take on their stories. Misery loves company. But commiserating with others launches you firmly into the case-building phase. And you can quickly take on more feelings and examples than are just yours. Also, be careful who you process your thoughts or feelings with. You want to make sure that they don't start case-building for you.
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What's underneath the situation
Researchers have discovered that there are four levels to our communication. One level is a verbal communication, which occurs in the form of words either spoken or written. This includes modern media like email, text messages, and kinds we've yet to develop. If words are involved, it's verbal.
Then there is the paraverbal level, which is how the words are used. For example, shouting, or all capital letters, conveys an intensity that adds more meaning to the words themselves. Other aspects include tone of voice, silences, and even interrupting others.
Then there is the paraverbal level, which is how the words are used. For example, shouting, or all capital letters, conveys an intensity that adds more meaning to the words themselves. Other aspects include tone of voice, silences, and even interrupting others.
The third level is nonverbal communication such as body language and eye contact. This kind can only be detected by seeing the person. But this rich source of information is lost when we communicate in writing.
Finally, we have the extraverbal level, which is meaning conveyed beyond the words. This may have to do with time or place of the communication, the power level of the sender, and other aspects that also convey meaning.
One of the early pioneers of this work was Harvard business professor Chris Argyris. He recognized that when humans are talking, they have a whole series of things that they're thinking, but not saying.
Argis found that important elements of the conflict live in those unsaid thoughts. One part of understanding how an issue is building for you is to take a look at them. Try this exercise. Take a sheet of paper and draw a line down the middle. Now think about your difficult situation. On the right side of the paper, write down what you each said and did during just one interaction. Now on the left side, write down what you were thinking. But did not say.
If you want, map out two to three of your most recent interactions. It will give you some good information about how the situation is building up for you. Right now, we're just capturing the information.
Making meaning
How we make meaning is at the heart of every difficult conversation. Over time, we take some facts, make some assumptions, and form beliefs about others. This is called the Ladder of Inference.
At the bottom of the ladder are the facts. This is all of the available data in the situation, what was actually said and done by each party including the non para and extra verbal levels of cmmunication. It'd be the information you could capture on video.
The next level of the ladder is what we focus on, or the selected data. Our conscious brain cannot track every piece of information. So it selectively filters out huge portions. Consider these questions. What stood out to you? And what did you focus on?
The third rung of the ladder is the assumption we make based on the data we've chosen to focus on. This is where we add meaning to the fact. Ask yourself, how did I interpret what I saw and heard. What intention did I attribute to their actions? Our assumptions are often the things that we think but don't say.
The fourth level is conclusions which is where we add a story to explain the situation. We add an extra level of meaning which is what we've decided about this incident.
Both assumption and conclusion are heavily influenced by our own history. This certainly includes our own experiences in the world but it also includes several aspects of our cultural identity, things like the language we speak. Our nationality, gender, race and even age shape how we interpret the behavior of others.
Take extra time in the reflection phase to also consider the role that your culture is playing in shaping your ladder. And when you reflect on the other person, consider how their culture is influencing their experience and perspective.
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Building your ladder
Emotions play an important part in our difficult conversations. So it's vital to also reflect on your feelings.
The 5th rung to the ladder of inference is emotions. Take a moment to notice how it shows up in your body. Have you clenched your jaw has your heart rate increased? What about your stomach, has it tightened? Also take a moment to list any emotions or feelings you either had during the situation itself or even now while reflecting on it. Rate the strength of each emotion on a scale of 1 to 10 your emotional thermometer.
The sixth rung on the ladder is beliefs, which get created over time. Our beliefs are the more enduring conclusions we've made about the person that expand beyond this one incident. Other past interactions usually come into the mix, adding to our evidence. This is when we start to see things as the truth, when really it's just our version of the truth. What do you now believe about this person? Another way to figure out your beliefs is to play fill in the blank.
And finally the top of the ladder is actions which are the things you say and do. Consider about the actions you took during the incident and toward that person overall. First, stay focused on this one situation. Jot down what you said and did during the interaction and be honest. Then, focus beyond a particular incident to also explore the bigger picture. As a result of your assumptions and conclusions, what other actions have you taken in relation to this person or the bigger problem?
Here's the other tricky thing about the ladder of inference. It has two loops built into it. The first one goes from our beliefs back to selected data. Meaning that our beliefs affect which data we choose to focus on. It's called the Confirmation Bias, or Selective Perception. We start to look for the data that supports our beliefs, and we ignore the data that contradicts them. The second loop happens between actions and facts. The actions you take can affect future interactions, thereby changing what happens.
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Clarifying your goal
Clarifying your goal
At the heart of every difficult conversation is some kind of problem we're trying to solve. Something isn't going as it should, and we want to make it better. The first part of the reflection phase is to focus on what you want to achieve. This step is really important and will guide the rest of the phases, so take time to do this step properly.
Ask yourself the question: what do I want?
Then ask yourself, if I had that, what would it get me? Try to phrase it in the positive, what you want, as opposed to what you don't want.
Then ask it again, if I had that what would it get me?
Then ask it again and keep going until you feel done. You'll get to a layer where you'll say yes, that's it that's it, that's what I really want. Then write it down as a statement starting with the words I want.
For some people, fantasizing about perfection is easier than stepping back from a difficult situation.
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Assessing what you already have
Once you've broken your goal into its components, next assess where you stand on each of them.
Assessing what you already have
Once you've broken your goal into its components, next assess where you stand on each of them.
After you've done your assessment, think about how it affects your feelings about the difficult situation.
Your assessment will also give you some valuable information that will become part of your conversation.
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Climbing down your ladder
The primary strategy we use for this step is to question. You want to question the assumptions and conclusions you've made, and you want to question the data you've been using. This requires you to be willing to be wrong.
First, review the facts. Pretend you're a video camera or even another observer in the room, you want to look for other facts that you missed before. Ask yourself, what might others have seen and heard? If they were looking at me, what would they have noticed? Choose which process is most helpful to you for you difficult situation.
Next, question your assumptions. This is the wrung where our personal beliefs and experiences added meaning to what we we have observed. But we're also influenced by the beliefs and experiences of our family, our cultural heritage and society at large. Ask yourself, what am I assuming and why? Are my assumptions based on my own personal experiences or what others have told me?
Now, you want to challenge your conclusions. As we question our assumption, it create space for us to challenge our previous conclusions. Ask yourself these questions, why did I draw this conclusion? Is it based on sound evidence and logic? And based on the three alternative assumptions you just made, what are three alternative conclusions?
The next step is to revise your beliefs. Ask yourself these questions. Based on my revised assumptions and conclusions, which beliefs no longer make sense? What beliefs about this person or situation am I now willing to let go of?
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Hijacks and hooksAnother important part of the reflection process is to look at the emotions that the situation brings up. Review the feelings that are part of your ladder.
Fight responses including using criticism to attack someone's personality or character. Or a form of contempt, where you use sarcasm or shaming to attack a person's sense of self with the intent to insult. This can also include nonverbal behaviors like eye rolling or sneering. The flight response is different. We're attempting to turn away from the danger and use invisibility to hide. One type of flight behavior is withdrawing, where we might stop participating in the interaction, or change the subject, or give someone the cold shoulder, or use the silent treatment.
This is also known as stonewalling, and it convey's disapproval or disconnection. Another type of flight behavior is defensiveness. Where we attempt to deflect the perceived attack with excuses, disagreeing, or responding with counter arguments that blame the other person.
Do you tend to fight and go to a form of aggression? Or do you take flight and withdraw in some way? What about the other person? What's their pattern when they've been hijacked? Knowing about the amygdala hijack and how to assess someone's pattern, will help you prepare for having a successful conversation.
Knowing your triggers
Researchers now know that our need for survival includes three emotional areas that are core aspects of our identity. These are, am I competent, am I a good person, and am I worthy of love? Well, it's just the human experience that sometime in your past these aspects were threatened in some way.
The goal is to know your triggers and manage them. The good news is there's ways to greatly reduce, or even eliminate, your triggers.
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Judgements and mirrors
Another key part of the reflection phase is our judgements. Judgements are the same as the conclusions and belief rungs of our ladder. They're the negative decisions we've made about others. You know you have a judgement when you feel judgmental. You have a sense of righteousness about something and may feel that you would certainly handle it better than they do. It is also common to think that they should or shouldn't do something. Take a moment to make a list of your judgements.
Our judgements are always a mirror to something we can't see about ourselves, always. Mirrors come in two forms, a regular mirror and a reverse mirror. A regular mirror is when the person is doing something that you yourself also do.
Here's the problem with a regular mirror. They are often invisible to us. Those around can see them, often quite clearly, but we can't see our own. I'm sure you can think of quite a few people who can't see their mirrors. And I hate to tell you this, but it's likely that you can't see some of yours either.
Ask yourself, how is this person a mirror to me? Are they doing something that I also do, even to a small degree? How would another person view my behavior in comparison to the behavior of the person that I'm judging?
Then there are reverse mirrors. This is when the other person does something we would never allow ourselves to do.
Here's the gift about judgements. If we're willing to look past them to our mirrors, we have an immense opportunity to grow and develop in profound ways.
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Climbing down off our ladder brings important clarity and insights to the process. One aspect of this clarity is seeing what you have brought to the interaction.
One important part of the reflection phase is to reflect on your adversary. In doing so, you will hopefully re-frame them to be your partner rather than your enemy.
To do this effectively, we must approach this with an open mind and heart.
Let's adopt an attitude of curiosity. And see what things look like from their side. The first step is to find a way to connect with them. Outside of this difficult situation, what are some of this person's strengths? Think of qualities that you admire and past actions that you respect.
Pretend that there's another reason for the problematic behavior of the other person. This is easier now that you've climbed down the ladder. One way to do this is to look for clues about the other person's triggers, hijacks and judgements. If you reflect over several interactions, is there a pattern to when the person engages in the problematic behavior?
The key here is not to build another story, but to create enough alternative options that you can truly let go of the ladder once and for all.
You'll know that you're there, because you will feel the shift emotionally. All of a sudden, they shift from being the bad guy to someone whom you can feel some compassion for.
This is when you're truly ready to have an effective conversation. You've moved beyond the need to have a confrontation and are now willing to work together with this person to move forward in a productive way.
The tone and intention have dramatically changed. And that's going to create an opening for a truly productive interaction and not just a replay of blaming and judging each other.
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Owning your role
Finally, refocus on what you want. What can you do now to move towards your goal? How can you partner with the other person to co-create a solution?
After going through the reflection phase, do you still feel like you need to have the conversation? It's quite common that by the end of his phase, our upset toward the other person has disappeared. And all of a sudden we realize, they're not really the source of our problems.
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Be prepared
Second, you want to create the right environment to bring out the best in both you and your partner. This is tending to all the extra verbal aspects of your communication that could add meaning. Think about the time and place that is mostly likely to encourage openness in your partner. You want them to feel as comfortable as possible.
Third, plan for your triggers and hijacks. Often conversations get sabotaged because we don't' plan for our own reaction, and then we get thrown by it. Take some time to think about your hijack pattern. Do you tend to fight or take flight? What part of your body does it start in, and where does it go next? Make a plan for recognizing when it's happening, and calm yourself down. One of the best tricks is to change your breathing because it can actually settle the medulla hijack.
Next, consider what has or will likely trigger you. Think about the things they might say or do that would get you going. You can even make a list of words or phrases they might use. While we can't always stop our triggers, recognizing them can keep them from blindsiding or overwhelming us.
Fourth plan for their triggers and hijacks. Think back over the past interactions and ask yourself these questions. What is their reaction likely to be? Do they tend to go to fight or flight? What seems to be their triggers? And what counter-arguments or accusations are they likely to throw at you? The goal here is to anticipate the reaction, so that it won't throw you. Ideally, you also want to avoid the things you do and say that trigger that person.
Fifth, organize your talking points. It will really help you if you've prepared your talking points in advance, instead of making it up in the heat of the moment. Think about what you want to say and in what order and write it down.
Finally practice and role play. Practicing out loud will increase the chance that your words will come out the way you intend when your under stress. The more you practice the smoother and easier it will get. In addition to practicing by yourself, role play with a friend. Practice different scenarios, like it going smoothly. Then with some challenges in the middle like the other person getting a little triggered. And then with it all going crazy, with the worst possible reaction you can imagine.
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